Ugh!

I really suck at updating lately, it seems! Oopsie Daisie. Don't bet on any entries simply dedicated to the fanwalk now, because it'd take me years to do. However I shall do what I usually do and write up some BEST BITS.

- Meeting the UK Fanwalkers, and trying to figure out who Patrick was!
- Katie's Rape Alarm going off in the airport security queue!
- Getting to Hamburg!
- Meeting the Portuguese Fanwalkers and being driven via mini-bus to the hostel.
- Getting our goodie bags, and hanging out in my room with the UK fanwalkers.
- Getting our phones!
- Finding out there was a supermarket and going and getting cheap alcohol!
- "Speed Dating!" After dinner and meeting Troy for the first time.
- PMA Tom trying to convince me that I should try the chocolate pudding.
- Meeting some of the Irish fanwalkers, the three girls whom I would be sharing a room with for that night.
- Finishing off my bottle of apple liqour, straight, chugging down some wine and then heading to the bar.
- Hanging at the bar with Aggy, Nick and Tom.
- Having my first ever shot of jaeger, courtesy of Nick.
- Having to be dragged back to my room.
- Having a hang over that lasted all day until I woke up the next day!
- First day of walking!
- Seeing Pardon Ms. Arden performing for the first time!
- Mingling with everyone and generally having a laugh.
- Stealing Nick's sunglasses, muahaha!
-The UK Fanwalkers having pictures taken for a magazine that Kim was interviewed for.
- Having a group picture taken, and it taking several attempts to shout out the right things at the right time!
- PMA performing a song outside for us, before we started walking!


more to come at a later date LOL
- This resulting in me being dragged back to my room!

Back from Germany!!

I don't have a hell of a lot of time to type this up, so no odubt it'll be in two parts -- the fanwalk, and then the staying in Germany after it was over.
It starts like this:
On the 26th I woke up nice and early, and got carted off to the train station. After three trains (including the underground) I got too heathrow and met up with Katie. Soon enough we were met by Kim, Lex, Richy and Aggy. There was a question hanging above alol of our heads though -- Who was the 7th fanwalker; we knew his name was Patrick, but who he was in terms of what he looked like was a mystery to us all. More importantly we also wondered where he was!
Alas, it turns out that he waqs sat just behind myself and Lex at the boarding gate -- and Katie let us know it's Patrick after going "GUYS! IT IS PATRICK!" After we had some speculation whether the boy stood behind us was our fellow UK Fanwalker. Whether he heard us continously asking "where's Patrick?" we don't know, I think he had earphones in.

Anyway, we soon arrived in Hamburg, and the mystery of  "Who's Patrick?" was finally solved. Two fanwalk ladies found us, after we'd spent ages getting to the baggage claim, and walked us to the mini-bus that would be taking us to where we would be sleeping for the night! After puffing away on cigarettes, and settling on the bus we were soon joined by the Portuguese and one lonely Norwegian who had arrived much earlier than the others.

As we travelled to our destination, it was sort of fascinating looking out the window and seeing how little difference there was between Hamburg and Britian. The only difference was the houses, and apartment buildings where much nicer! Then we arrived at the Meninger Hostel, where it was postivily swimming with excited fanwalkers!! Sadly we couldn't go to our rooms as they wouldn't be ready until 3pm. Luckily the time flew, we all checked in, got our goodiebags -- two tshirts, a neon yellow bag, a red coat and a blue hoodie, and then whisked ourselves off to our respective rooms. And at first it seemed as if I was to have a four bed room to myself; the idea excited me because it meant it could be the UK Party room!

A trip to the local markt called Toom brought us Apple liquor, 2.99 wine for myself. And copius other bottles of whatever for the others. We started drinking, might as well live up to the name of Binge Drinking Britian. The question of  "when do we get our phones?" now hanging over our heads. Typically the phones arrived late, but we got them (finally) just before dinner. The fact that I knew how to use it almost straight away, and was helping and knew so much about last years fanwalk got people asking me whether I actually worked for the fanwalk organisation which tickled me a bit, I must admit!

Then it was dinner time! And I was starving! We had to sit in groups corresponding to the coloured buttons we were given, a good thing - oh, and by this time I had found out I was bunking with the Irish girls! I was pleased as I was quite worried I'd end up in a room with three others who didn't know English very well. Haha. Anyway, dinner was pasta with some sort of sauce. (It wasn't that nice) and there was this funky looking brown stuff in a bowl, which Tom (Bassist from Pardon Ms Arden) said was really nice, some chocolate pudding and I should try some. I did, I tried some of Katie's and it was yuck! But I'm picky, so..

Then Troy was introduced  to us! And he decided we needed to do some speed-dating! Which was quite hilarious as it was so hard to hear what anyone was saying! But yeah, that was fun and after that we went off to finish drinking our alcohol and I ended up in the bar with Tom, Nick (guitarist and lead vocalist for Pardon Ms Arden) and Aggy. Nick bought me my first ever shot of Jager.. And I was done for. Katie and Tina (an Austrian fanwalker) had to drag me back to my room, where I ended up puking (in the toilet) and passing out only to be found by the Irish girls, Gill, Elaine and Emma. Emma, apparently, asked if I wanted to get into some pyjamas and I told her no and woke up in my clothes. (But in my bed. Luckily.)

Safe to say, I woke up feeling like utter shit!

This is to be continued as I have to go to work!

EMA OUTFIT.

The shoes: 

The dress:

:D

And an added bonus picture:

Whatchu think guys? :)))

Shoes were £30 quid, and the sequins that they're covered in can be brushed back or forth into either black or silver, or you have both!! Lovely. Heels are about 4 to 5 inches high, I think. Gives your legs a fantastic shape.

Dress was £22.00, purple with purple sequins around the neckline.

Perfect fit. And when matched with a simple black cincher-stretch belt gives you a wonderful figure!

All in all, yum.

But yeah, opinions please?

Fight For This Love

So, it's been.. 7 or so days since I've updated -- sorry about that.

Work's been good! I've been in the stockroom because I had a break down at work on Monday because of what happened to my mum and bad thoughts in my head that wouldn't go away. I had two shitty customers that day, something I didn't need at all. And for once I decided to fuck it all and be testy with them because I wasn't gonna put up with it that day. The second customer, was rude, and I walked off in tears and ended up breaking down in the lift, and being carted off to the Training Room to sit down and just let it out. I hate crying like that at work, last time that happened was when my friend, Bob, died. It sucked.

So yeah, Jemma popped me in the stock room which was good. I was doing things constantly so my mind didn't wander. Well, apart from when I got a phone call that you all know about. ;D I'm really excited about Germany, not long now. It's gonna be a right blast.

EMA's&Afterparty. Possibility of meeting TH at said Afterparty; fingers crossed I can get a picture with them. Not only that but it'll be my first time EVER seeing Tokio Hotel perform! And OMG, so so so excited! Going to be amazzzziiiiiiing!

Everyone wants to see me today! Lauren is meeting me at 1:30 in town for drinks and shopping, then at 3 Kelly is meeting me for shopping. Perhaps my Dad? Dunno yet. Then going to see my Mum. <3

I'm not going to lend my brother money anymore, I don't think, because I'm quite leniant. I'll lend it to him, and not worry about when I get it back. He tells me he'll give it back the next month, and it never happens. I need this money and he won't talk to me at the moment. I don't mind helping him out, because he got made redundant but it's bordering on the ridiculous when he doesn't give it back when I need it.

Currently obsessed with Cheryl Cole's song "fight for this love," the video mostly because I quite like staring at her gorgeous arse. I think I'm worse than a guy when it comes to bums, lol!


Can't embed the video, so here's a link: Fight For This Love Music Video

unf

I dunno what to do.

I can't even smile right now, despite my shop of junk food, I don't want to eat it. I feel sick to my stomach, and my eyes are sore and puffy.

I don't want to do anything.. I know Mum's okay now, but... I just can't help but thinking "what if." I'm just so scared, I can't stand the thought of when she's back home; going to work, leaving her on her own. What if she has another episode and does it again? What if neither Gary or I come home early.

Because the reality is, if Gary hadn't of come home early... Well, you know what we would've come home too. It tears me apart, and I've taken up a habit I stopped. Because it's the only thing helping. I don't know how long it'll be before I can actually smile again, until I can dig myself out of this pit of worrying and depression.

I can't sleep..

I can't stop thinking about it..

I feel so helpless right now, and.. There's nothing I can do. I'm trying to tell myself that it won't happen again, but how do I know?

I mean.. Her episodes just come and go. Anything can trigger them.

I'm scared shitless that she might do it again, without knowing, or find herself at the edge of a cliff again which happened a few years ago or something. I want her to be safe, and wrap her in cottonwool, molly-coddle her. But I can't.

She doesn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve the fact she had a horrible child hood that has left her mentally unstable. She deserves to be mentally, and emotionally, scar-free because she's an amazing person. My mum, and my best friend. She's everything to me. If I lost her, I'd be numb.. I don't want to think about it.. But I can't stop it.

I can't do this.. I'm not strong enough to handle this.


I'm just so fucking petrified.

fuck.

.. my mum had another dissociative episode today.
she overdosed.
if gary hadn't come home early from college, she might not be here.

i dont know what to do. i know she doesn't want to kill herself, and that it was because of her mental illness that she did it.. she doesn't remember doing it.

it only just sunk in, that if gary hadn't of thought something was wrong and come home early... that she wouldn't be here anymore.

oh god.


and i was becoming happy again.. that's gone straight down the drain now. :'( can't stop crying.

zoom into me

i have decided  that each of my blog posts shall now have song titles as their names. Whether they are relevant or not. :3 If I re-use a song for a subject, you must tell me! I'll most likely add a video and/or link to said song, just to be cool. Harhar.

So, I haven't updated in a while; and I'm afraid I have no "drawing a day" again. That hasn't gone well, has it? At least I did it for... Two days? Whatever, I'll pick it up soon. :)

What's been going on, Beckii?

A lot, actually! As some of you might know my mum, step-dad, dad, dad's gf and myself all pitched in for my brother's AWESOME birthday present. This awesome present was having Tommy's GF, Aina, flown over! I met her at the airport after work on Thursday (1st Oct) and spent our evening on our laptops until we both decided it'd be a good idea to sleep. On Friday, we both hung out at home and went to town for a few bits and bobs. I'm glad we got time together, on our own, because it gave us a chance to "bond" I suppose. Anyway! What we planned to do was, at first, to hide her in a box - sadly, we couldn't find a box so we decided that we could hide her in the cupboard under the stairs. (Oooh, how Harry Potter!) Anyway, when Tommy came around we had popped some wrapping paper around her torso; and some bows on her, and put wrapping paper over the door. Along with a couple of balloons and a tiny card which read "please feed and water me 3 times a day."

Tommy opened the door, and.. yeah, he was shocked. His exact words "what the fuck?" But yeah, he was well happy and was almost completely speechless for at least five minutes! Later he said that at first he'd thought it was a fish tank, and then when he opened the door all he could see was two tiny hands so thought we'd got him a baby monkey LOL! He wasn't expecting it to be Aina. Bless, especially since his MSN subname is "best bday EVAR." He was also quite surprised at how Aina and I acted around each other - basically, that we were seemingly friends. Haha.

We went to cosmo for dinner, and they stayed over the night and I went to work the next day. Then in the evening, myself, and Dominus headed out to the Pig, as I hadn't been out in a while and yeah. We were celebrating being lonely together - Saru going to uni, she's his GF and she's my best friend. Lol. Kareoke! Was well fun, however, I can't remember much as I got drunk on not too much drink since I hadn't had alcohol in a while. But yeah, despite the fact I can't remember much I do remember four unfit guys stripping, and Dominus, Rachel P, Roadkill and myself doing "Skater Boi" for the kareoke. LOL. Hilarious. But that's pretty much all I can remember, tbh. Apparently it's kareoke each week now, according to Dominus, so that's awesome!

Work's been going well, apart from RatFace acting as if we're friends. I'm trying so hard to just get on with work; grit my teeth and bare the fact I have to talk to her if I want the people upstairs believeing I'm improving etc. But whatever, she hasn't called me "Becky" in like over a year and a half, and I felt uncomfortable when she started calling me it again recently. I can't be arsed with it to be honest, because I need to prove myself at work that I won't let shit get to me, I need to keep my cool and stuff. I think they're noticing, I hope they are anyway.

Oh yeah! Turns out there were Bust Mannequins for my department (lingerie) so I was allowed to get them down, with Sian, and Big Kim seemed amused by how excited we seemed to be about it - her words, give or take a word or two. Whateveeeer. but yeah, that was fun; and I re-did the bum mannequins as well, because they needed a chaaaange. But yeah, doing good at work. (:

Mum's back home, really happy about that too! YAY.

THIS TIME NEXT MONTH I'LL BE IN GERMANY WITH THE BELOVED THUKST STAFF<3