EMA OUTFIT.

The shoes: 

The dress:

:D

And an added bonus picture:

Whatchu think guys? :)))

Shoes were £30 quid, and the sequins that they're covered in can be brushed back or forth into either black or silver, or you have both!! Lovely. Heels are about 4 to 5 inches high, I think. Gives your legs a fantastic shape.

Dress was £22.00, purple with purple sequins around the neckline.

Perfect fit. And when matched with a simple black cincher-stretch belt gives you a wonderful figure!

All in all, yum.

But yeah, opinions please?

Fight For This Love

So, it's been.. 7 or so days since I've updated -- sorry about that.

Work's been good! I've been in the stockroom because I had a break down at work on Monday because of what happened to my mum and bad thoughts in my head that wouldn't go away. I had two shitty customers that day, something I didn't need at all. And for once I decided to fuck it all and be testy with them because I wasn't gonna put up with it that day. The second customer, was rude, and I walked off in tears and ended up breaking down in the lift, and being carted off to the Training Room to sit down and just let it out. I hate crying like that at work, last time that happened was when my friend, Bob, died. It sucked.

So yeah, Jemma popped me in the stock room which was good. I was doing things constantly so my mind didn't wander. Well, apart from when I got a phone call that you all know about. ;D I'm really excited about Germany, not long now. It's gonna be a right blast.

EMA's&Afterparty. Possibility of meeting TH at said Afterparty; fingers crossed I can get a picture with them. Not only that but it'll be my first time EVER seeing Tokio Hotel perform! And OMG, so so so excited! Going to be amazzzziiiiiiing!

Everyone wants to see me today! Lauren is meeting me at 1:30 in town for drinks and shopping, then at 3 Kelly is meeting me for shopping. Perhaps my Dad? Dunno yet. Then going to see my Mum. <3

I'm not going to lend my brother money anymore, I don't think, because I'm quite leniant. I'll lend it to him, and not worry about when I get it back. He tells me he'll give it back the next month, and it never happens. I need this money and he won't talk to me at the moment. I don't mind helping him out, because he got made redundant but it's bordering on the ridiculous when he doesn't give it back when I need it.

Currently obsessed with Cheryl Cole's song "fight for this love," the video mostly because I quite like staring at her gorgeous arse. I think I'm worse than a guy when it comes to bums, lol!


Can't embed the video, so here's a link: Fight For This Love Music Video

unf

I dunno what to do.

I can't even smile right now, despite my shop of junk food, I don't want to eat it. I feel sick to my stomach, and my eyes are sore and puffy.

I don't want to do anything.. I know Mum's okay now, but... I just can't help but thinking "what if." I'm just so scared, I can't stand the thought of when she's back home; going to work, leaving her on her own. What if she has another episode and does it again? What if neither Gary or I come home early.

Because the reality is, if Gary hadn't of come home early... Well, you know what we would've come home too. It tears me apart, and I've taken up a habit I stopped. Because it's the only thing helping. I don't know how long it'll be before I can actually smile again, until I can dig myself out of this pit of worrying and depression.

I can't sleep..

I can't stop thinking about it..

I feel so helpless right now, and.. There's nothing I can do. I'm trying to tell myself that it won't happen again, but how do I know?

I mean.. Her episodes just come and go. Anything can trigger them.

I'm scared shitless that she might do it again, without knowing, or find herself at the edge of a cliff again which happened a few years ago or something. I want her to be safe, and wrap her in cottonwool, molly-coddle her. But I can't.

She doesn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve the fact she had a horrible child hood that has left her mentally unstable. She deserves to be mentally, and emotionally, scar-free because she's an amazing person. My mum, and my best friend. She's everything to me. If I lost her, I'd be numb.. I don't want to think about it.. But I can't stop it.

I can't do this.. I'm not strong enough to handle this.


I'm just so fucking petrified.

fuck.

.. my mum had another dissociative episode today.
she overdosed.
if gary hadn't come home early from college, she might not be here.

i dont know what to do. i know she doesn't want to kill herself, and that it was because of her mental illness that she did it.. she doesn't remember doing it.

it only just sunk in, that if gary hadn't of thought something was wrong and come home early... that she wouldn't be here anymore.

oh god.


and i was becoming happy again.. that's gone straight down the drain now. :'( can't stop crying.

zoom into me

i have decided  that each of my blog posts shall now have song titles as their names. Whether they are relevant or not. :3 If I re-use a song for a subject, you must tell me! I'll most likely add a video and/or link to said song, just to be cool. Harhar.

So, I haven't updated in a while; and I'm afraid I have no "drawing a day" again. That hasn't gone well, has it? At least I did it for... Two days? Whatever, I'll pick it up soon. :)

What's been going on, Beckii?

A lot, actually! As some of you might know my mum, step-dad, dad, dad's gf and myself all pitched in for my brother's AWESOME birthday present. This awesome present was having Tommy's GF, Aina, flown over! I met her at the airport after work on Thursday (1st Oct) and spent our evening on our laptops until we both decided it'd be a good idea to sleep. On Friday, we both hung out at home and went to town for a few bits and bobs. I'm glad we got time together, on our own, because it gave us a chance to "bond" I suppose. Anyway! What we planned to do was, at first, to hide her in a box - sadly, we couldn't find a box so we decided that we could hide her in the cupboard under the stairs. (Oooh, how Harry Potter!) Anyway, when Tommy came around we had popped some wrapping paper around her torso; and some bows on her, and put wrapping paper over the door. Along with a couple of balloons and a tiny card which read "please feed and water me 3 times a day."

Tommy opened the door, and.. yeah, he was shocked. His exact words "what the fuck?" But yeah, he was well happy and was almost completely speechless for at least five minutes! Later he said that at first he'd thought it was a fish tank, and then when he opened the door all he could see was two tiny hands so thought we'd got him a baby monkey LOL! He wasn't expecting it to be Aina. Bless, especially since his MSN subname is "best bday EVAR." He was also quite surprised at how Aina and I acted around each other - basically, that we were seemingly friends. Haha.

We went to cosmo for dinner, and they stayed over the night and I went to work the next day. Then in the evening, myself, and Dominus headed out to the Pig, as I hadn't been out in a while and yeah. We were celebrating being lonely together - Saru going to uni, she's his GF and she's my best friend. Lol. Kareoke! Was well fun, however, I can't remember much as I got drunk on not too much drink since I hadn't had alcohol in a while. But yeah, despite the fact I can't remember much I do remember four unfit guys stripping, and Dominus, Rachel P, Roadkill and myself doing "Skater Boi" for the kareoke. LOL. Hilarious. But that's pretty much all I can remember, tbh. Apparently it's kareoke each week now, according to Dominus, so that's awesome!

Work's been going well, apart from RatFace acting as if we're friends. I'm trying so hard to just get on with work; grit my teeth and bare the fact I have to talk to her if I want the people upstairs believeing I'm improving etc. But whatever, she hasn't called me "Becky" in like over a year and a half, and I felt uncomfortable when she started calling me it again recently. I can't be arsed with it to be honest, because I need to prove myself at work that I won't let shit get to me, I need to keep my cool and stuff. I think they're noticing, I hope they are anyway.

Oh yeah! Turns out there were Bust Mannequins for my department (lingerie) so I was allowed to get them down, with Sian, and Big Kim seemed amused by how excited we seemed to be about it - her words, give or take a word or two. Whateveeeer. but yeah, that was fun; and I re-did the bum mannequins as well, because they needed a chaaaange. But yeah, doing good at work. (:

Mum's back home, really happy about that too! YAY.

THIS TIME NEXT MONTH I'LL BE IN GERMANY WITH THE BELOVED THUKST STAFF<3

eee!

I'm so freaking exciteeeed! Berlin in just over a month, and now Kim (Soubi) is coming too if she doesn't get on the fan walk! It's going to be amazing! I don't usually get excited for trips, haha. But this is epic. <3

Liz, Susi, Kim, Nash, Ines, maybe Claire and myself livin' it up in Berlin! Well, charlottenberg! Yup, we've booked out apartment now! Which makes it feel even more real!

It will be great to meet Kim, the newest addition to our THUKST staff -- I couldn't think of anyone better for being a mod. And of course I can't wait to see Liz<33 I've missed her so much. It's always a bundle of laughs when we're together; and I wish we lived closer so we could see each other more often. Also, it'll be great to see the others again Susi<3 Nash<3 Ines<33 Dana<333 It's so freaking lonely not being around them. Fingers crossed Claire can come, afterall, it wouldn't be the same without her!

of course we gotta flash back and look at the great times we've had:

 

 

Good times. <333