I dunno what to do.
I can't even smile right now, despite my shop of junk food, I don't want to eat it. I feel sick to my stomach, and my eyes are sore and puffy.
I don't want to do anything.. I know Mum's okay now, but... I just can't help but thinking "what if." I'm just so scared, I can't stand the thought of when she's back home; going to work, leaving her on her own. What if she has another episode and does it again? What if neither Gary or I come home early.
Because the reality is, if Gary hadn't of come home early... Well, you know what we would've come home too. It tears me apart, and I've taken up a habit I stopped. Because it's the only thing helping. I don't know how long it'll be before I can actually smile again, until I can dig myself out of this pit of worrying and depression.
I can't sleep..
I can't stop thinking about it..
I feel so helpless right now, and.. There's nothing I can do. I'm trying to tell myself that it won't happen again, but how do I know?
I mean.. Her episodes just come and go. Anything can trigger them.
I'm scared shitless that she might do it again, without knowing, or find herself at the edge of a cliff again which happened a few years ago or something. I want her to be safe, and wrap her in cottonwool, molly-coddle her. But I can't.
She doesn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve the fact she had a horrible child hood that has left her mentally unstable. She deserves to be mentally, and emotionally, scar-free because she's an amazing person. My mum, and my best friend. She's everything to me. If I lost her, I'd be numb.. I don't want to think about it.. But I can't stop it.
I can't do this.. I'm not strong enough to handle this.
I'm just so fucking petrified.
10 October 2009
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1 thoughts:
You're strong enough. You might not feel like you are, but you are. I promise.
I completely understand what you're going through - you know that. Because I've been there, I feel like I should have all the answers for you, but I don't. I hate to say it, because it doesn't seem helpful, but there is not a lot you can actually do :( Except be there for her. Make sure she has someone around if she seems to be having a articularly bad day, make sure she takes any medication she has and keeps appointments.
If there's a real risk that something terrible could happen while you're at work, then I think you need to either look into getting some home help, or someone giving up work and claiming a carer's allowance. I know that seems pretty drastic :( But if it's a real risk, then I really think it's something you guys, as a family, should consider.
That's why I stopped working at the stables. My job at the shelter / pet cemetary is much more flexible and less hours. Of course, it means I'm broke. But I'm home a lot more.
I've really looked into this - allowances and home help etc. If you want to have a chat about it, or just vent out some of your stress, you only gotta shout me on Twitter and I'll put Skype on. xxx
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