Ugh!

I really suck at updating lately, it seems! Oopsie Daisie. Don't bet on any entries simply dedicated to the fanwalk now, because it'd take me years to do. However I shall do what I usually do and write up some BEST BITS.

- Meeting the UK Fanwalkers, and trying to figure out who Patrick was!
- Katie's Rape Alarm going off in the airport security queue!
- Getting to Hamburg!
- Meeting the Portuguese Fanwalkers and being driven via mini-bus to the hostel.
- Getting our goodie bags, and hanging out in my room with the UK fanwalkers.
- Getting our phones!
- Finding out there was a supermarket and going and getting cheap alcohol!
- "Speed Dating!" After dinner and meeting Troy for the first time.
- PMA Tom trying to convince me that I should try the chocolate pudding.
- Meeting some of the Irish fanwalkers, the three girls whom I would be sharing a room with for that night.
- Finishing off my bottle of apple liqour, straight, chugging down some wine and then heading to the bar.
- Hanging at the bar with Aggy, Nick and Tom.
- Having my first ever shot of jaeger, courtesy of Nick.
- Having to be dragged back to my room.
- Having a hang over that lasted all day until I woke up the next day!
- First day of walking!
- Seeing Pardon Ms. Arden performing for the first time!
- Mingling with everyone and generally having a laugh.
- Stealing Nick's sunglasses, muahaha!
-The UK Fanwalkers having pictures taken for a magazine that Kim was interviewed for.
- Having a group picture taken, and it taking several attempts to shout out the right things at the right time!
- PMA performing a song outside for us, before we started walking!


more to come at a later date LOL
- This resulting in me being dragged back to my room!

Back from Germany!!

I don't have a hell of a lot of time to type this up, so no odubt it'll be in two parts -- the fanwalk, and then the staying in Germany after it was over.
It starts like this:
On the 26th I woke up nice and early, and got carted off to the train station. After three trains (including the underground) I got too heathrow and met up with Katie. Soon enough we were met by Kim, Lex, Richy and Aggy. There was a question hanging above alol of our heads though -- Who was the 7th fanwalker; we knew his name was Patrick, but who he was in terms of what he looked like was a mystery to us all. More importantly we also wondered where he was!
Alas, it turns out that he waqs sat just behind myself and Lex at the boarding gate -- and Katie let us know it's Patrick after going "GUYS! IT IS PATRICK!" After we had some speculation whether the boy stood behind us was our fellow UK Fanwalker. Whether he heard us continously asking "where's Patrick?" we don't know, I think he had earphones in.

Anyway, we soon arrived in Hamburg, and the mystery of  "Who's Patrick?" was finally solved. Two fanwalk ladies found us, after we'd spent ages getting to the baggage claim, and walked us to the mini-bus that would be taking us to where we would be sleeping for the night! After puffing away on cigarettes, and settling on the bus we were soon joined by the Portuguese and one lonely Norwegian who had arrived much earlier than the others.

As we travelled to our destination, it was sort of fascinating looking out the window and seeing how little difference there was between Hamburg and Britian. The only difference was the houses, and apartment buildings where much nicer! Then we arrived at the Meninger Hostel, where it was postivily swimming with excited fanwalkers!! Sadly we couldn't go to our rooms as they wouldn't be ready until 3pm. Luckily the time flew, we all checked in, got our goodiebags -- two tshirts, a neon yellow bag, a red coat and a blue hoodie, and then whisked ourselves off to our respective rooms. And at first it seemed as if I was to have a four bed room to myself; the idea excited me because it meant it could be the UK Party room!

A trip to the local markt called Toom brought us Apple liquor, 2.99 wine for myself. And copius other bottles of whatever for the others. We started drinking, might as well live up to the name of Binge Drinking Britian. The question of  "when do we get our phones?" now hanging over our heads. Typically the phones arrived late, but we got them (finally) just before dinner. The fact that I knew how to use it almost straight away, and was helping and knew so much about last years fanwalk got people asking me whether I actually worked for the fanwalk organisation which tickled me a bit, I must admit!

Then it was dinner time! And I was starving! We had to sit in groups corresponding to the coloured buttons we were given, a good thing - oh, and by this time I had found out I was bunking with the Irish girls! I was pleased as I was quite worried I'd end up in a room with three others who didn't know English very well. Haha. Anyway, dinner was pasta with some sort of sauce. (It wasn't that nice) and there was this funky looking brown stuff in a bowl, which Tom (Bassist from Pardon Ms Arden) said was really nice, some chocolate pudding and I should try some. I did, I tried some of Katie's and it was yuck! But I'm picky, so..

Then Troy was introduced  to us! And he decided we needed to do some speed-dating! Which was quite hilarious as it was so hard to hear what anyone was saying! But yeah, that was fun and after that we went off to finish drinking our alcohol and I ended up in the bar with Tom, Nick (guitarist and lead vocalist for Pardon Ms Arden) and Aggy. Nick bought me my first ever shot of Jager.. And I was done for. Katie and Tina (an Austrian fanwalker) had to drag me back to my room, where I ended up puking (in the toilet) and passing out only to be found by the Irish girls, Gill, Elaine and Emma. Emma, apparently, asked if I wanted to get into some pyjamas and I told her no and woke up in my clothes. (But in my bed. Luckily.)

Safe to say, I woke up feeling like utter shit!

This is to be continued as I have to go to work!

EMA OUTFIT.

The shoes: 

The dress:

:D

And an added bonus picture:

Whatchu think guys? :)))

Shoes were £30 quid, and the sequins that they're covered in can be brushed back or forth into either black or silver, or you have both!! Lovely. Heels are about 4 to 5 inches high, I think. Gives your legs a fantastic shape.

Dress was £22.00, purple with purple sequins around the neckline.

Perfect fit. And when matched with a simple black cincher-stretch belt gives you a wonderful figure!

All in all, yum.

But yeah, opinions please?

Fight For This Love

So, it's been.. 7 or so days since I've updated -- sorry about that.

Work's been good! I've been in the stockroom because I had a break down at work on Monday because of what happened to my mum and bad thoughts in my head that wouldn't go away. I had two shitty customers that day, something I didn't need at all. And for once I decided to fuck it all and be testy with them because I wasn't gonna put up with it that day. The second customer, was rude, and I walked off in tears and ended up breaking down in the lift, and being carted off to the Training Room to sit down and just let it out. I hate crying like that at work, last time that happened was when my friend, Bob, died. It sucked.

So yeah, Jemma popped me in the stock room which was good. I was doing things constantly so my mind didn't wander. Well, apart from when I got a phone call that you all know about. ;D I'm really excited about Germany, not long now. It's gonna be a right blast.

EMA's&Afterparty. Possibility of meeting TH at said Afterparty; fingers crossed I can get a picture with them. Not only that but it'll be my first time EVER seeing Tokio Hotel perform! And OMG, so so so excited! Going to be amazzzziiiiiiing!

Everyone wants to see me today! Lauren is meeting me at 1:30 in town for drinks and shopping, then at 3 Kelly is meeting me for shopping. Perhaps my Dad? Dunno yet. Then going to see my Mum. <3

I'm not going to lend my brother money anymore, I don't think, because I'm quite leniant. I'll lend it to him, and not worry about when I get it back. He tells me he'll give it back the next month, and it never happens. I need this money and he won't talk to me at the moment. I don't mind helping him out, because he got made redundant but it's bordering on the ridiculous when he doesn't give it back when I need it.

Currently obsessed with Cheryl Cole's song "fight for this love," the video mostly because I quite like staring at her gorgeous arse. I think I'm worse than a guy when it comes to bums, lol!


Can't embed the video, so here's a link: Fight For This Love Music Video

unf

I dunno what to do.

I can't even smile right now, despite my shop of junk food, I don't want to eat it. I feel sick to my stomach, and my eyes are sore and puffy.

I don't want to do anything.. I know Mum's okay now, but... I just can't help but thinking "what if." I'm just so scared, I can't stand the thought of when she's back home; going to work, leaving her on her own. What if she has another episode and does it again? What if neither Gary or I come home early.

Because the reality is, if Gary hadn't of come home early... Well, you know what we would've come home too. It tears me apart, and I've taken up a habit I stopped. Because it's the only thing helping. I don't know how long it'll be before I can actually smile again, until I can dig myself out of this pit of worrying and depression.

I can't sleep..

I can't stop thinking about it..

I feel so helpless right now, and.. There's nothing I can do. I'm trying to tell myself that it won't happen again, but how do I know?

I mean.. Her episodes just come and go. Anything can trigger them.

I'm scared shitless that she might do it again, without knowing, or find herself at the edge of a cliff again which happened a few years ago or something. I want her to be safe, and wrap her in cottonwool, molly-coddle her. But I can't.

She doesn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve the fact she had a horrible child hood that has left her mentally unstable. She deserves to be mentally, and emotionally, scar-free because she's an amazing person. My mum, and my best friend. She's everything to me. If I lost her, I'd be numb.. I don't want to think about it.. But I can't stop it.

I can't do this.. I'm not strong enough to handle this.


I'm just so fucking petrified.

fuck.

.. my mum had another dissociative episode today.
she overdosed.
if gary hadn't come home early from college, she might not be here.

i dont know what to do. i know she doesn't want to kill herself, and that it was because of her mental illness that she did it.. she doesn't remember doing it.

it only just sunk in, that if gary hadn't of thought something was wrong and come home early... that she wouldn't be here anymore.

oh god.


and i was becoming happy again.. that's gone straight down the drain now. :'( can't stop crying.

zoom into me

i have decided  that each of my blog posts shall now have song titles as their names. Whether they are relevant or not. :3 If I re-use a song for a subject, you must tell me! I'll most likely add a video and/or link to said song, just to be cool. Harhar.

So, I haven't updated in a while; and I'm afraid I have no "drawing a day" again. That hasn't gone well, has it? At least I did it for... Two days? Whatever, I'll pick it up soon. :)

What's been going on, Beckii?

A lot, actually! As some of you might know my mum, step-dad, dad, dad's gf and myself all pitched in for my brother's AWESOME birthday present. This awesome present was having Tommy's GF, Aina, flown over! I met her at the airport after work on Thursday (1st Oct) and spent our evening on our laptops until we both decided it'd be a good idea to sleep. On Friday, we both hung out at home and went to town for a few bits and bobs. I'm glad we got time together, on our own, because it gave us a chance to "bond" I suppose. Anyway! What we planned to do was, at first, to hide her in a box - sadly, we couldn't find a box so we decided that we could hide her in the cupboard under the stairs. (Oooh, how Harry Potter!) Anyway, when Tommy came around we had popped some wrapping paper around her torso; and some bows on her, and put wrapping paper over the door. Along with a couple of balloons and a tiny card which read "please feed and water me 3 times a day."

Tommy opened the door, and.. yeah, he was shocked. His exact words "what the fuck?" But yeah, he was well happy and was almost completely speechless for at least five minutes! Later he said that at first he'd thought it was a fish tank, and then when he opened the door all he could see was two tiny hands so thought we'd got him a baby monkey LOL! He wasn't expecting it to be Aina. Bless, especially since his MSN subname is "best bday EVAR." He was also quite surprised at how Aina and I acted around each other - basically, that we were seemingly friends. Haha.

We went to cosmo for dinner, and they stayed over the night and I went to work the next day. Then in the evening, myself, and Dominus headed out to the Pig, as I hadn't been out in a while and yeah. We were celebrating being lonely together - Saru going to uni, she's his GF and she's my best friend. Lol. Kareoke! Was well fun, however, I can't remember much as I got drunk on not too much drink since I hadn't had alcohol in a while. But yeah, despite the fact I can't remember much I do remember four unfit guys stripping, and Dominus, Rachel P, Roadkill and myself doing "Skater Boi" for the kareoke. LOL. Hilarious. But that's pretty much all I can remember, tbh. Apparently it's kareoke each week now, according to Dominus, so that's awesome!

Work's been going well, apart from RatFace acting as if we're friends. I'm trying so hard to just get on with work; grit my teeth and bare the fact I have to talk to her if I want the people upstairs believeing I'm improving etc. But whatever, she hasn't called me "Becky" in like over a year and a half, and I felt uncomfortable when she started calling me it again recently. I can't be arsed with it to be honest, because I need to prove myself at work that I won't let shit get to me, I need to keep my cool and stuff. I think they're noticing, I hope they are anyway.

Oh yeah! Turns out there were Bust Mannequins for my department (lingerie) so I was allowed to get them down, with Sian, and Big Kim seemed amused by how excited we seemed to be about it - her words, give or take a word or two. Whateveeeer. but yeah, that was fun; and I re-did the bum mannequins as well, because they needed a chaaaange. But yeah, doing good at work. (:

Mum's back home, really happy about that too! YAY.

THIS TIME NEXT MONTH I'LL BE IN GERMANY WITH THE BELOVED THUKST STAFF<3

eee!

I'm so freaking exciteeeed! Berlin in just over a month, and now Kim (Soubi) is coming too if she doesn't get on the fan walk! It's going to be amazing! I don't usually get excited for trips, haha. But this is epic. <3

Liz, Susi, Kim, Nash, Ines, maybe Claire and myself livin' it up in Berlin! Well, charlottenberg! Yup, we've booked out apartment now! Which makes it feel even more real!

It will be great to meet Kim, the newest addition to our THUKST staff -- I couldn't think of anyone better for being a mod. And of course I can't wait to see Liz<33 I've missed her so much. It's always a bundle of laughs when we're together; and I wish we lived closer so we could see each other more often. Also, it'll be great to see the others again Susi<3 Nash<3 Ines<33 Dana<333 It's so freaking lonely not being around them. Fingers crossed Claire can come, afterall, it wouldn't be the same without her!

of course we gotta flash back and look at the great times we've had:

 

 

Good times. <333

SO!

I've been trying to cut down how much I eat, to lose some fat on my legs. And now when I eat something substantial my stomach starts hurting well bad. Not fun, but oh well.

I've not had a fantastic day, Ratface is back at work; and everytime she's near me, or speaks to me I just want to punch her lights out. Seriously, if she doesn't go, I probably will. Already looking for jobs, so.. Though i don't want to leave, I can't work with her. Her mere presence fucks me off, and if she stays as a Lead Associate I'm going to kick up a fuss and a half. I'm sorry, but if you fucking start a well bad rumour and only get a "talking" too it's not enough! A Lead should be someone who is mature, and doesn't behave like a school kid. Seriously! They honestly expect me to go around like nothing's happened? They've obviously never had any malicious spread about them at work, fucking hell.  She does fuck all anyway! All she did today was fucking talk to Nigel and just wander around. She went on F.A for about five fucking minutes, didn't do anything and when I got on there it still looked like an utter shit hole. 

What else that's pissing me off, and this is going to get me into trouble with a particular friend but right now I don't care, is that one can sign up for the fanwalk and suddenly have the advantage, about a week before it closes! I'm sorry but there application process should end at least a month before. Myself and Soubi have worked fucking hard for our votes, and then Amiee signs up and it's like "oh for fuck sake." It's not fair at all, because it puts all those people who have worked hard months on end for their votes at the disadvantage.

I will be fucking pissed off if she gets in and Soubi or myself don't. it's just not fair. just wait until next fucking year, instead of putting the hardworking lot at a disadvantage. If you ask me, you should start with 0% instead of 100%. Mega voting time for Soubi. <3

Sorry Amiee, but it's not fair at all that you suddenly decide to jump in and put at us a disadvantage. Call me a selfish bitch if you will, but I don't really care.


P.S Sorry for the fact there have been none of my 'one drawing a day' updates; everything is stressful and I don't really have time. But here! Have a picture of meee!

oh and Hasselhoff is on The One Show, Georg is blatantly tuning in. :P

Unf.

No drawing today, I just couldn't draw anything.. Today has been pretty shit. Been really emotional, have been crying on and off almost all day. Basically my best friend leaves for Uni tomorrow and came in today to say bye.. I didn't really want to say bye to any of my good friends who were leaving for Uni because of the effect it would've had on me. I now, officially, have no best friends in Hastings.. Or anywhere near to me. I mean, tbh, my best friends are my "rocks" so to speak.. And I just have this huge epic empty gap now and I can't fill it.

I just.. I don't know, feel like giving up? I'm the unintelligent one of the group; I don't want to go to uni, I dropped out of college after my AS Levels.. I'm the one who will always be left behind whilst they suceed and it's a hard thing to admit too.

I just dunno what I'm gonna do now. I've got ... what...  two friends out of work now? people at work don't really count as, well, I work with them. i have to see them everyday, as much as i love seeing most of them, it's not the same.

i have a sinking feeling that someone whom i may work with has read my blog.. why? because out of the blue, Kim (commercial) decided to tell me I'm doing a good job, and she's seen improvement in me.. and has been singing my praises to Brian. And in my last entry on this blog I was saying about how unappreiciated I feel at work, and how my effort seems to be ignored. strange, and creepy. Unf. I'm probably being paranoid, but whatever, you have to admit - it's bloody weird! oh well.

so yeah. not a great day.. oh and i have a new nickname courtesy of Brian.. that being "angry becky." uhm, thanks, i think? lol! i'm not that bad, am I????

who knows. oh well.

Hmm. :/

ALMOST FINISHED THE MARK-DOWNS AT WORK. H'omg. I was getting majorly stressed out by how long it was taking, I was almost in tears actually. I just felt that even after I finished it, I'd be critised for taking so long - despite it not really being my fault. I mean, I've been trying to give it 100%, and I think I've been doing a bit better at what I do.. However, I can't help but think they don't see any improvement. Though, to be honest, I wouldn't know anyway because praise hardly ever comes my way. I'm actually really quite depressed about it, then again I haven't felt "happy" for a while now. It's just trying to keep a smile on my face, pretend everything's alright and try my hardest not to slip into past habits which is becoming increasingly hard. :(

I almost hit the wall when I went to sign out at the end of my shift, Kim (Commercial Kim, not ratface) asked whether I'd finished F.A and I told her no, and she asked "why not" and I told her because I didn't have time on it, and again she asked "why not" and i said because i was trying to finish lingerie. And again she went "why not" possibly as a joke, I don't know but it really got to me. I'm trying to do something, and do a good job of it, and she just doesn't acknowledge it at all... Ugh. I just felt like screaming, or breaking down in tears because all my efforts go unnoticed it seems.

I just feel like giving up.. I really do, I'm sick of being unappreiciated at work.  Ian and Jemma, they're the ones who I respect right now out of the "management" team because they look at it through my eyes, and try and help and give me more time to complete tasks and such. Ugh. Just so stressed out.

On a good note! Mum came home for a few hours today, she has to go back in an hour or so but it was very good to see her!! It's strange how lonely it is here without her, even though Gary's still here obviously.

and! The new video from Bild.de with Tom and Bill... Well, I actually got quite offended by the amount of times they used to word "faggot," I mean.. I don't usually get offended by it.. But I did this time, because it seems as if they're encouraging the use of it, when it's really quite insulting.. Especially to those who are quite insecure about themselves because they are gay.. I dunno. :(

Oh, and my One Drawing A Day:

(just click the image to view larger. :3)

Technically there are two drawings. The larger, forefront, drawing is of my RolePlay character, Thursday.

The little cartoon doodle is of Thursday and Ikarus (Minaneko-chan's character) basically they're both A.I's but Thursday is in denial about it, and believes she's one hundred percent human.. Whereas Ikarus knows he's an A.I and has just escaped the military base he was being kept at.. Anyway, he's not good at communication, so she thinks that he is mentally challenged, and speaks slowly to him to make sure he understands what she says, which in turn makes him think that she's got a defect in her language processor. :P

So that's where that little doodle came from!

one drawing a day

well, actually, there's the drawing I did today and a few others from this month/last month. :3

 

this is the one from about a week or so ago:

 This doodle is supposed to be a caricature, not realistic. So, don't hate me. LOL.

clicking on the pictures should enlarge them. (:

lemme know what you think. :D

Work today was okay, time went by pretty quick until Sian left at three thirty; had a lot of laughter when I said "moist panties" really loudly by accident, on the shop floor. We were both in hysterical fits of laughter. Ahaha. We got most of the mark-downs done, but sadly I didn't get to finish Lingerie as I had to move lots of stuff by myself. So, after we've done knickers and socks/tights etc, we'll move on to sleep wear and voila it shall be complete. After three bloody days! Ughugh! Well, at least it gets me off of the till!


Just over a month until Berlin! I'm soooo excited!

fun at work.

Aha, I had a good day at work, and by golly am I glad! Lately I've had to try harder than I already do. The reason? To get full-time hours, so I can move and rent a flat for myself. However, it means being utterly over the top professional, and they've gone so spastic that no longer am I allowed to wear coloured socks. I'm sorry, but I doubt customers stare at my feet, let alone wander what socks I'm wearing, nor whether they are odd or a pair. I mean, come on! That's going a bit too overboard on there part. I'll comply with wearing matching socks, but I will not wear boring black socks. I have bare any black socks anyway.

Anyway, at least it was a good day today - didn't have to go on the till at all, it was amazing. Sian, Jemma, Roisin and myself were doing sale. Basically we had to go around as many departments as possible, mark down the items for sale and group them together. Luckily we did it as one team, so we all could joke and lark about. Yeah, fun stuff. Made the day go really quickly! Sadly, tomorrow I'm working 'til seven! SEVEN. Not looking forward to that, but it means pay day is only eight days away. (Yay!)

I've decided to do my "one drawing a day" thing tomorrow, as I'm not having a great time at home right now. :( Gary and I both feel super depressed because Mum is back in Woodlands, and they did this risk assessment thingy and they think she's too much of a risk to herself to be let out, even just for a few hours. It sucks, because despite it being for her own good, to help her, the way she thinks when she's having these "turns" is when something like this happens she feels as if she's being persecuted for something she can't control. I can't understand where she is coming from, but also where the staff at Woodlands are coming from.

Just ugh, not good. :( But I just hope they let her out for Tom's birthday next week..

good morning!

so, for some reason, i have decided to have a public blog as well as a private one - lj. both have the same-ish contents, but my private one on lj talks about shit happening at work, people i can't stand, some stuff about THUKST (not bad stuff, but obviously being a mod I can't have everything I write about THUKST being out in the open. I'm sure you understand. :3)

But yes! New blog! And it's 7:57AM, so this won't be a very long blog entry as I do have work and have to be finished and dressed by 8:30am, and out of the door!

I started role-playing again last night; I've missed it a lot, and I've also got a new goal of doing one drawing a day. This will, in the end (i hope), increase my abilities and make me drawings better. Maybe one day I'll actually be able to design a decent back ground for my poor characters who simply stare out from their blank page. I'm sure they'd like that.

Anyway yeah, so role-playing again on Gaia! I used to roleplay all the time on Neopets, but my interest in the site dwindled, and the amount of literate roleplayers became less and less in number, and in ability to write even a mere paragraph for a reply post. (The worst part was having to divide a long post into many as Neopets have a character limit. They never used too, and then when it was first done there were ways of "cheating" the system by the lovely way of copy and paste!) But yes, if you have a gaia account and would like a friend, my username is: s u g a r - g h o s t i e feel free to add me on there. (:

i will, no doubt, post again later today once I am home from work. A more interesting post, perhaps? And also get on to making this lovely blog pretty, pretty, pretty. <3>